Death, funerals, eulogies – a Sunshine Coast writer is encouraging more of us to broach these uncomfortable conversation topics and have the final say on our own life stories.
Former journalist and communications and marketing manager Angie Kay is using her wordsmith skills to help people write their own eulogy while they’re still living.
In Your Words not only seeks to accurately reflect the life of a loved one and how they truly wish to be remembered, it also aims to ease the burden of grieving family and friends as they prepare to say goodbye.
SUBSCRIBE here now for our FREE news feed, direct to your inbox daily.
“Like life, we’re doing funerals and death differently to the way we used to do it – and that’s about honouring the life we’ve had instead of leaving it to people who are in the midst of their grief, trying to conquer their thoughts,” she said.
“We’re all dying from the moment we’re born. We need to shift a little bit about the way we think about death in our society.
“I spent so long travelling in Asia, I’m less confronted by (death). In Asia, people are more than happy to talk about death, their own death and their own life.
“We don’t do that as much in Australia.”
Seeing her husband Glen struggle in the immediate aftermath of his father Don Henderson’s death was the catalyst for her business idea that developed over just five weeks.
Glen’s grief was all-encompassing and he couldn’t articulate his feelings or write them down on paper.
“Glen’s not someone who likes to do public speaking – he’s very reserved – and trying to get him to write his bit for the eulogy was impossible because he was so overcome with grief,” Angie remembered.
“He struggled so much, I ended up interviewing him … and pulled (his part of) the eulogy together from that.
“He couldn’t have done it himself. He was so sad for this person who had meant the world to him.
“In writing your own eulogy, you’re taking some of that burden off.”
The cost of the In Your Words service starts from $250 for a 500-word eulogy.
The process begins with a list of questions to “get them thinking about what matters most” before an in-person interview over one or two hours, depending on the individual and the length of the eulogy (up to 5000 words).
The interview usually takes place in the individual’s home, surrounded by photos and prized possessions, giving context to their life. While Angie finds people open up more on their own, a carer or loved one acting as a memory prompter is also welcome to attend.
Once the first draft is written, it can be edited twice, with a follow-up interview if necessary to ensure accuracy and that their ‘free voice’ is captured.
This ‘living eulogy’ is designed to be read out by the celebrant or a loved one at the funeral or memorial, or by the individual themselves at a gathering before their passing, in the case of the aged or a terminally ill patient.
Angie believes a state of mourning often plays with memories and conspires against telling someone’s full life story according to their wishes.
“I’ve been to funerals, heard the eulogy and gone: ‘That doesn’t sound like that person at all. What’s going on there? Why is this so different?’” she said.
“Some of it is because of grief.
“I’m sure there were aspects of (father-in-law) Don’s life which were not covered by his children or the celebrant, who wrote a small eulogy based on his chat with the family.
“No one mentioned he had been named after Donald Bradman – something he was very proud of. And no one mentioned how one of his best childhood memories had been watching the great man himself play at the Gabba.
“This was mostly because, in the family, no one other than Don cared about cricket at all.
“It had me wondering: how much of people’s lives are lost in their eulogies because they just weren’t an area of interest for those around them or simply are not thought of at the time?”
Local journalists supporting local people. Help keep independent and fair Sunshine Coast news coming by subscribing to our FREE daily news feed. All it requires is your name and email at the bottom of this article.
As a young reporter, the Bli Bli resident wrote newspaper obituaries for various notable community members, focusing on their notoriety, milestones and achievements.
But she now acknowledges that everyone deserves to be remembered for what they deem important to them.
“(In journalism), a person volunteering for Meals on Wheels once a week is not as interesting as the fact they were in the trenches in World War II,” she said.
“They might not even want to mention that they were in the trenches: ‘Okay, I served in the army and that’s all I want to say about it.’
“They might want to put much more emphasis on volunteering for Meals on Wheels.
“You’ve got to reflect that person: what mattered to them, what they built their life around, and to some extent their belief systems.
“You don’t have to have led a huge life to deserve a eulogy which reflects your life.”
Angie describes her new role as a ‘conduit’ to giving someone the opportunity to “have their say” at the end of their life.
“It sounds like such a cliché but I feel honoured to be sharing that,” she said.
“It is a humbling experience to go through. There are definitely tears and that’s okay. That’s part of the journey. Life is about the tears and the laughter.
“And it’s a relief (for the family) knowing the story is being captured as it is and not being left to what they would consider their fallible memory.”
She understands that an individual might like to include some hard-to-hear ‘home truths’ – especially since they won’t have to face the consequences if the eulogy is read at their funeral. But her advice is that any eulogy should also contain some light-hearted moments.
“You don’t want people walking away from a funeral and thinking about sadness and death rather than celebrating the life that was,” she said.
“You need to acknowledge those who are in your life, and those who have made the most difference to your life. That’s as important as acknowledging the milestones.
“Throw in the stories, throw in the anecdotes, throw in the things people don’t know and hopefully some secrets.
“The mood can cover the gamut. You can go through the rainbow of emotions in that interview and the eulogy can reflect that.
“To me, that’s a good eulogy.”
Contact Angie Kay on 0451 969 156 or at angie@yourlifeinyourwords.net
Like stories about Sunshine Coast people doing great things? Help us deliver more by registering for our FREE daily news feed. All it requires is your name and email at the bottom of this article.
